Yes, I took a trip to Boston — years after locals called for me to be banned
My time in has-beantown
I used to be simply in Boston. That is an evidence — not an apology.
The city’s obtained Boston baked beans, Boston scrod, Boston cream pie, Boston clam chowder.
New York’s clam chowder is pink. Boston’s white. Like Milk of Magnesia.
1620. Pilgrims. Tough journey. Half made it. Small ship. Heavy seas. Chilly, crowded, damp, seasick, scurvy, hungry, 66-day voyage.
No VIP vacationer steamship kind sizzling tub, balcony suite, jogging tracks, water slides, rock climbs, snacks or midnight barbecues.
The Mayflower leaked. Lacked shelter and heat. Nowhere for even a Kennedy to have intercourse.
There have been storms. One physique obtained swept overboard. The meager fare? Biscuits, dry meat.
So why was I in Boston? Who is aware of. It’s summertime so it’s important to go someplace.
On Paul Revere’s journey at the moment he’d say “One, shove town — two, hit the Cape.”
And Pahk youah cah in Hahva’d yahd? No person within the place speaks English.
There’s a factor referred to as a larynx. They don’t use it. Dialogue is thru the nostril.
Universally annoying
What they did is that they made Harvard. Query: So why are their professors primarily left wingers? None ever had an actual job?
By no means scratched to make a residing in the actual lifetime of stock, housing, tenure, fashion, salaries?
Their life’s work is simply to pee on the God-Bless-Us United States?
Boston downtown’s tiny. My hairpiece is bigger. You may bounce on and off a trolley.
Historical past’s Boston Tea Social gathering, Freedom Path, the North Finish, Beacon Hill, Fenway Park, Boston Widespread, Museum of Nice Arts.
Nightlife? The closest is in Vegas.
Winter? Seize an Eskimo with a fever. It’s a very nice metropolis.
However: Lousiest is the Boston Globe, which years again wrote an editorial slamming me. They mentioned the city ought to bar me.
They printed how I used to be Not! Allowed! There! anymore.
Perceive, working round their tiny city on the time was infamous crime boss killer James “Whitey” Bulger. Racketeering, extortion, homicide. Him they didn’t thoughts. Me they minded.
Right here’s why. I’d gone to Fenway. To inhale the Pink Sox. Mistake!
New Yorkers perceive that even the Statue of Liberty can odor Yankee Stadium’s sizzling canines. The aroma reaches to Colorado.
Inhaling at the least one huge, lengthy, fats, pink, juicy, fragrant frank is computerized. I can knock off two whereas ordering a hamburger.
Frank-ly uninteresting
So, Fenway. I order a frankfurter. The factor comes: It’s beige! Beige?! A beige frank? The colour of my shirt? I may’ve pinned it on my collar as a brooch.
Who heard of a beige hotdog? The width of a crayon. The factor appeared like a canine dropped it.
Face it — if the Pilgrims had recognized this, they’d have rotated.
We elegant exports from Yankee Stadium — inhaling our world-famous, scrumptious, juicy, extra-long beef hotdogs even with out the sauerkraut — we have now requirements.
They could be low, however they’re requirements.
I wrote about this tragedy. The locals resented it. They did an precise editorial.
It was overlook the Boston Tea Social gathering, fie on the American Revolution, shove the Battle of Bunker Hill, ignore your John Hancock Firm rising premiums — now not welcome of their small metropolis: me. Me?
If Moses schlepped down from Mount Sinai now and trekked to Fenway, the tablets he’d carry could be aspirin.
So shove their Sam Adams beer, regionally made Monopoly and Dunkin’ Donuts. NYY’s well-known extra-long beef hotdogs are The Greatest.
NOW, again to civilization. Again to New York Metropolis, children, again to New York Metropolis.
