St. Louis Cardinals broadcaster Chip Caray is a big dumb wanker

The St. Louis Cardinals might suck ass, however they’re additionally petulant pissbabies too, clinging to their binky of outdated and archaic baseball idea that they will’t even apply appropriately:

Sure, not solely did the Cardinals utterly lose their mud over the truth that the umps couldn’t consider that they threw at a man (twice!) for unintentionally hitting the catcher they’ve already instructed everybody they hate and blame for his or her suckage, nor simply the Cubs laughing at such a pathetic try to serve out baseball justice that solely exists between the three collective mind cells Cardinal Nation can cobble collectively, however their announcers additionally stuffed their pants. You’re employed for the Cardinals, you’ll not keep away from the brainworms. They in all probability put them in your ear within the job interview.

Anyway, it would come as no shock that Chip Caray was carrying the flag bearing the inbred and illiterate shit kicker that represents all Cardinal followers. Caray has at all times been determined to look cool and beloved, despite the fact that he’s been categorically horrible at his job for 3 many years now. Not solely can he not name the motion appropriately and simply spits out phrases loudly within the hopes that they randomly match up with regardless of the motion occurring in entrance of him is, within the baseball broadcaster model of 1,000 monkeys on 1,000 typewriters (Editor’s be aware: It was the perfect of instances, it was the blurst of instances), he’s bought the persona of a wax statue the museum retains in storage.

Listed below are some enjoyable details about Chip Caray:

• He has by no means gotten a joke however has laughed maniacally at any he’s been instructed.
• He doesn’t suppose South America is an actual place.
• At any time when he’s inside three toes of a girl he ejaculates, however he calls it a “pants whoopsie.”
• When he was a Cubs broadcaster, and was instructed he might get to the park on the subway, he laughed and stated, “You may’t experience a sandwich!”
• He as soon as pronounced “Oaxaca” as “oh-AX-a-ca” (that is really true).
• His household doesn’t permit him within the kitchen.
• Harry Caray positively took drunken bets from his mates over whether or not or not little one Chip would get one thing caught in his nostril, and never his finger. Harry by no means referred to his grandson as something however “that dumb shit.”
• He tries to narrate to coworkers by saying he loves Taylor Swift as she, “Places out some actual crackin’ rock and roll!”
• He bowls with the bumpers in.
• He likes to speak in regards to the one time he bought excessive in faculty, which was really simply his roommate pouring the bong water on him whereas he slept.
• He positively has raised a fist to a black particular person he thinks he is aware of.

Anyway, Chip has gotten all these jobs due to his dad and grandfather, proving that genes erode with every passing era. He’s now labored for 3 of the 4 groups that these males labored for, however won’t ever ever get employed by the White Sox as a result of a) he could be ritually killed by Sox followers by April 30 of any season and b) he by no means went south of Roosevelt highway in his time in Chicago out of sheer terror. He’s completely at residence in St. Louis, the place everybody takes themselves far too critically despite the fact that he and they’re galactically silly. That’s the Cardinal manner.

Oh, by the way in which, the Playing cards bought their asses stomped to mush for the fourth straight time by the Cubs, a crew that has its entrance workplace actively rooting towards them. Miles Mikolas’s mustache is product of cow feed.

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