I proposed on New Year’s Day. Would love go my way?

Possibly two weeks into the connection, Emily stated to me, “You already know that is simply an affair, proper? I wish to be sure we’re on the identical web page.”

“I do know,” I stated. “We’d not be on the identical paragraph, however we’re on the identical web page.”

She appeared happy, although my paragraph was much more passionate already than hers. Not stunning, provided that I used to be considerably older and hadn’t felt something this intense for many years.

Within the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, we had met within the wild, not on-line. I used to be trudging residence from the grocery store, and he or she was standing exterior a cheese store, peering into the window.

“They’ve received one of the best baguettes on the town,” I stated as I moved previous her within the nightfall, considering that will be that. However she turned and stated, “I simply moved right here. It’s a very good place?”

She was sporting a crisp blue masks, however her darkish eyes crinkled into an unmistakable smile as she fell into step beside me. “What’s good for takeout dinner round right here?”

“The place I’m going subsequent,” I stated.

Belief me, it isn’t usually (suppose, by no means) that I appeal to this type of consideration, a lot much less from somebody so younger — 34, it turned out — so lovely and, on this occasion, of Japanese descent. She had fled her tiny New York residence for an Airbnb in Santa Monica, and over the approaching months, we developed a heat friendship: strolling her French bulldog pet, getting ice cream across the nook. Though I used to be smitten along with her — a high-powered lawyer, she had forgone a profession as a live performance violinist — I harbored no hopes of something romantic occurring, till one night time it did.

She invited me over for a film night time, and we had chosen, of all issues, to look at “The Lifeless,” the film based mostly on a narrative from James Joyce’s “Dubliners.” However we barely made it previous the opening credit earlier than — and I nonetheless don’t understand how this occurred — we had been in one another’s arms on the couch. She claims I initiated that first passionate kiss. I say she did, however it will be like unraveling the Huge Bang. Irrespective of how far again in time we go, there isn’t any telling what really occurred at that very first nanosecond of implosion.

And though I’m somebody who’s been chastised prior to now for his lack of ability to utter the magic phrases “I really like you,” it wasn’t greater than every week or two earlier than I had uttered them, and as soon as they had been out, I couldn’t shut up. The floodgates had opened, and many years of denial had been flung apart virtually as readily as my T-shirts (which, I found, youthful males don’t put on as a lot as us older guys do).

As for these youthful guys, who persistently pursued her, they could have carried gummies of their pockets as a substitute of Eliquis, and so they may need been up for something — polyamory, skydiving, Burning Man — however they weren’t up for dedication and devotion, which occur to be my robust fits.

What I additionally had that they may by no means supply was the Enchantment of the Not possible. Given our age discrepancy, Emily may throw herself into our affair with out having to consider any severe future plans. She didn’t have to fret about the place issues had been going (nowhere, to be blunt) as a result of she was planning to maneuver again to New York on the finish of her lease, to start out the seek for a viable husband in earnest. And I understood.

Or thought I did. The top accepts what the center ignores. I knew intellectually that she was proper, however my coronary heart paid no consideration, weaving elaborate fantasies that even included a legendary daughter named Veronica, a precocious youngster who performed violin like her mom. For a divorced man who by no means had or wished kids, I used to be abruptly jarred by the alarm on a organic clock I didn’t even know I owned. However was I being given one final likelihood?

There have been moments after I thought that I used to be, occasions when even Emily appeared to be keen to entertain that fantasy. “I do love you,” she advised me many occasions, and I flatter myself that she meant it. I even proposed on the morning of New Yr’s Day. However Emily, laughing, countered with, “So the place’s the ring?”

Might or not it’s? As luck would have it, I had a hoop — one which my ex-wife had missed — nestled within the drawer of the bedside desk.

I slipped it onto her finger, and we each studied it there, saying nothing however feeling what it will be like if this had been to be actual, earlier than the tears welled up in her eyes.

“You already know I can’t,” she murmured.

And for that matter, neither, I knew, may I. I beloved this lady with all my coronary heart, and in consequence, in fairly probably a primary for me, I actually and really wished solely one of the best for her — and that finest wasn’t me. This was a selfless sensation I had heard about usually — concern for another person’s welfare above your individual — and I nonetheless wasn’t positive what to make of it; I felt lots like Humphrey Bogart, sacrificing Ingrid Bergman, within the parting scene of “Casablanca.” Regardless of all of the ethereal fantasies, Emily clearly wanted somebody a lot youthful, somebody with whom to boost that household. Her tiger mother, in reality, had already picked out an age-appropriate Hong Kong banker for her.

“I do know you’ll be able to’t,” I stated, earlier than including, “and let’s face it — in case your mom ever discovered about us, she’d rent a yakuza to place a bullet behind my head.”

Brushing again her tears, Emily stated, “No, she wouldn’t.”

“No?”

“She’s a lot too low cost for that. And anyway, she’d wish to shoot you herself.”

Her mom can relaxation simple. The final time I noticed Emily, she was waving goodbye from the United Airways terminal on her approach again to New York. I miss her terribly, on daily basis, however as Bogie may need stated, we’ll all the time have Santa Monica.

The creator is a novelist residing (alone) in Santa Monica. His web site is: robertmasello.com.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its superb expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a printed essay. Electronic mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You’ll find submission pointers right here. You’ll find previous columns right here.