Review: Taking the bait at Gladstone’s Malibu

DRESSED IN shorts or fairly little sundresses, late breakfasters parade out of Gladstone’s at noontime, carrying great, whimsical, shiny gold packages — a whale with an upswept tail, a bunny that would cease Jeff Koons in his tracks. Hungry diners stroll in for lunch, previous the tables overlooking the seaside, previous the outside bar. In they go, and out they arrive, fantastical creatures held aloft — hour after hour, because the solar units over Level Dume within the distance, and late into the night because the moon climbs excessive.

The gold foil creatures? Should you’ve ever been to Gladstone’s Malibu, you understand they’re stuffed with leftovers. Why so many doggy luggage?

To grasp, step inside Southern California’s highest-grossing restaurant, with its nautical theme and peanut shells on the ground and tanks of reside lobsters. Gladstone’s isn’t simply an L.A. establishment; it’s a phenomenon.

Within the identify of commerce and enjoyable, Gladstone’s sells some 500 kilos of shrimp and about 50 New England lobsters per day — that’s in line with Chief Govt Jean Hagan. The restaurant, which seats about 500 for breakfast, lunch and dinner day-after-day besides Christmas, serves 1,500 to three,000 individuals a day, she says; income was about $14.5 million final 12 months.

That’s quantity. And there’s quite a bit on every desk too. In truth, you could be tempted to guess that there are such a lot of leftovers as a result of the parts are so enormous. A calamari appetizer, served in an outsized martini glass, is large enough for 4. A slice of chocolate cake is as large as a bone-in ham.

Or you would posit that everybody needs to take one thing residence as a result of these takeout packages are so great. Watching a mermaid kind below the palms of 27-year veteran Miguel Carillo is kind of the present.

You possibly can suppose these issues, and possibly you’d be proper. However an important purpose there are such a lot of leftovers at Gladstone’s is that the meals, for probably the most half, is abominable.

Don’t imagine me?

Contemplate our waiter’s response when my husband orders blue crab truffles with remoulade sauce at lunch.

“Have you ever had them earlier than?” the waiter asks.

“No,” says my husband.

The waiter leans in shut and says, “I don’t advocate them.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“They’re too bready. They’re unimaginative. And admittedly,” he continues, wanting round to verify he’s not overheard, “they’re the worst crab truffles I’ve ever had, wherever.”

Once I was in highschool within the late Nineteen Seventies, Gladstone’s was just a few miles south, at Channel Street, on the opposite facet of the coast freeway, and my boyfriend and I used to drive there on Tuesday nights — clam evening. For some loopy low worth, you would get clams alternative ways, as I bear in mind — on the half shell, fried, steamed — all you would eat. We all the time obtained them steamed: Bucket after bucket, they’d deliver them, plump, briny, scrumptious. And scorching sourdough bread. We’d dunk the bread within the clam broth, then in melted butter, a squeeze of lemon, and we’d shut our eyes and fake it was lobster. What heaven.

Dissolve to 2008. The correct-on-the-beach location’s even higher, and the workers is nice about seating diners on the window seats, if attainable. The deck is swell too, although the tables are all in full solar in the course of the day.

Is it clam chowder?

ON A current Saturday evening, we’re led throughout the restaurant to a room that’s nonetheless below development. Regardless of, we now have an important desk overlooking the beautiful seaside. The place is stuffed, with a number of events of eight or 10 — birthday celebrations, large households, individuals with mates in from out-of-town. The environment is boisterous but relaxed.

We order drinks and the waiter suggests starters “to get you going.” We order these crispy calamari, a cup of chowder and the iced seafood tower.

It’s not straightforward to seek out nice chowder, neither is Gladstone’s the place to hunt it. Is it clam chowder? Fish chowder? Who is aware of. It’s New England-style, with a light, clammy taste, however it’s a must to critically fish round to seek out something resembling a clam; the overriding impression is of library paste. She-crab soup (“shee crab” on the menu) has a good taste, however once more, it’s very floury and has not one of the crab roe that defines the dish. The copious order of fried calamari is properly cooked, however the batter’s onerous and heavy.

The iced seafood tower lands on our desk. The underside tier holds 4 oysters on the half shell and a handful of small, flaccid shrimp, all drowning in a pool of melting ice water. Solely two of the 5 of us dare to pattern an oyster. Mine is watery and uninteresting. The shrimp have a horrible off-taste, which makes me nervous that I ate an oyster. On different tiers are poached mussels, sauced with Italian dressing that tastes prefer it comes from a bottle, a steamed lobster claw and tail, crab claws, mediocre crimson snapper ceviche and, weirdly, smoked salmon. The lobster’s nice, although it has not one of the sweetness of excellent lobster; the salmon contains the funky brown components cautious cooks lower off.

After we get the invoice, we’re shocked to study that the market worth for the unappetizing appetizer is $75.

That’s additionally the value for the 2-pound reside Dungeness crab the waiter pushes. That might be outrageous sufficient if the crab have been pretty much as good as Dungeness (even frozen) normally is. (Retail, it’s going for $6.99 per pound at Ranch 99 in Van Nuys.) However there’s one thing critically mistaken with this one. It has the feel of undercooked crab, although the fats below the shell seems to be overcooked, and a bitter, metallic taste. It’s inedible. (On our manner out, we discover the murky-looking Dungeness tank. May that be the issue?)

Lunch isn’t any higher. One among my visitors would love a seafood salad, however has hassle selecting as a result of none of them sounds good — not the Santa Fe Cajun salad with black beans, corn, onions, tomato, avocado and Cajun ahi tuna or jerk salmon, nor the “blue wave” salad with broiled salmon, blue cheese, tomato, crimson onion, papaya and avocado. The place’s the shrimp salad? The place’s the crab Louie?

That is among the many worst menus I’ve ever seen. Parmesan halibut. Salmon pesto pasta. One thing known as “Gladstone’s unique seafood molcajete: Sizzling lava cauldron stuffed with scallops, shrimp, 6-ounce lobster tail, panela cheese, bell peppers, onions, cactus and ranchero sauce.” Memo to chef: With few exceptions, fish doesn’t go together with cheese.

Extra leftovers

MY GUEST opts for the seafood Cobb — a metallic mixing bowl full of iceberg lettuce and topped with bay shrimp, anemic diced tomato, slimy bacon, avocado, chopped hard-boiled egg, crabmeat and blue cheese. Just a few items of smoked salmon (once more, with brown edges) are draped on one rim, and two oysters are perched on prime. My visitor removes the salmon to her bread plate and tries to toss the salad, nevertheless it’s packed in there so tightly, it’s not straightforward. She offers up a few third of the best way by. (Doggy bag!)

Grilled Cajun fish tacos come wrapped in large, industrial-quality corn tortillas. I’ve hardly ever met a taco I didn’t not less than like, however these are terrible, served with black beans and a mountain of rice that tastes of tomato paste. “Down residence” lobster roll in a dense bun is so loaded with mayonnaise that the lobster meat’s taste is misplaced. Shrimp, crab and lobster pasta is heavy, creamy and large.

Beware the Gladstone’s clambake, which the servers push onerous. Supposed for 2, it contains steamed clams, a 1 1/2 -pound lobster, a pound of Alaskan king crab legs, steamed shrimp, corn on the cob and boiled crimson potatoes. The corn is desiccated. The lobster is okay, however the crab leg, with the identical form and texture as a canine chew toy, appears to endure from freezer burn. The shrimp are as toxic-tasting as these on the tower. It’s horrible to gaze out to the ocean and picture the amount of valuable seafood being pulled out and ruined day-after-day by this restaurant. All of the sudden these doggy luggage appear virtually sinister.

Stay Maine lobsters are supplied 3 ways — steamed, full of crabmeat or “Santa Fe-style.” Full of crabmeat feels like against the law in opposition to nature, so one among my visitors orders Santa Fe-style. That comes stuffed with a sprightly medley of corn, diced peppers and tomatoes. The lobster meat hiding beneath is over-grilled, badly dried out. The perimeters — bland coleslaw (enormous portion) and heavy mashed potatoes (enormous portion) don’t put it aside.

The plain steamed lobster’s a lot better.

However ack! A 1 1/2 -pound lobster units us again $50. The clambake is $95.

Dinner for 5? I virtually fall out of my chair after I get the invoice: It’s simply over $500, earlier than tip, and we didn’t even order a bottle of wine. (We had three cocktails between us, three glasses of wine and one beer.)

That’s Pacific Coast Freeway theft.

brenner@latimes.com S. Irene Virbila is on trip.