Joyful PRIME Day! As a part of our protection right here at Deadspin, I assumed I’d perform a little product testing for you, particularly Logan (Jake?) Paul’s controversial power nectar that’s alleged to have sufficient caffeine to place a Clydesdale within the hospital. (The Pauls are sports activities figures, so this counts as sports activities content material for any of you who’re searching for a connection or the rationale I’m penning this.)
Proper now, a case of Prime Vitality Drink “Tropical Punch” is retailing for $29.99 as part of Amazon’s Prime Day, and I couldn’t consider a worse technique to waste your hard-earned money than shopping for 24-cans of this detestable substance.
However how does it style?
PRIME tastes like a Bomb Pop that melted on the espresso desk of a frat and was then funneled, together with the residue of not totally ingested medication, into the pink, white, and blue bottle. The tepid liquid made my jaw clench after chugging all the portion, which I assume is the one means an grownup can get by all 20 oz. of the (I’m assuming) cancer-causing agent. I wouldn’t let a toddler, or flamable chemical substances, inside 300 ft of an open container.
In fact, this product was created and promoted by the face (faces?) of ADHD. Slam 15 of these and you may punch a gap by any washed-up UFC fighter or bathroom. My insides are reacting like I simply injected easy syrup straight into my abdomen lining, and I can’t cease grinding my enamel.
I’ve by no means accomplished cocaine, however my molars are about to be all the way down to mere nubs if the sugar doesn’t first strip them of all enamel and fillings. The bottle says no caffeine, but my digestive tract is begging to go one thing — whether or not that’s my small intestines, or the granola bar I had for breakfast, is anyone’s analysis.
The FDA ought to save itself some money and time, as a result of if there’s no caffeine in PRIME then why do I really feel like I’m about to have a panic assault? There’s alleged to be six Coca-Cola’s price of caffeine in a single bottle of PRIME, and since I had a Food regimen Coke with lunch, I’m not going to have the ability to sleep for 3 days.
I don’t know if I’ve a headache, or if my mind synapses are firing at a superhuman price. I do know for rattling certain that my coronary heart would really like me to take a lap or 30. No marvel the youths are imbibing in PRIME with harmful regularity. It’s like Surge earlier than it was regulated, or 4 Loko when you may nonetheless blackout after a can and a half.
I’m able to run a 5K, begin a YouTube channel, or have my abdomen pumped. Joyful PRIME Day!
